But why can’t I?

21 years of misery and you would think people would let you be free ….

As a girl most of my life I’ve spent my time asking this question..but why can’t I? The answer is quite simple..because you are a girl…bas!!!

That in my opinion is not a valid answer..in fact it makes me angry….very angry!!!

So now after 21 years of a miserable marriage i have finally thought about divorce…and oh my god…the tantrums that I have had to deal with…and the same thing you are a girl you can’t do this..what will you do..how will u cope…lorg kya kehn geh!! 

On top of that I get the threats if you go ahead with it… X, Y and Z say we will commit suicide….so i go silent again.

But kyun chup bethu? Why..because I’m a girl? It’s 2017… I am very independent so why do I still have to give into old fashioned indian pendu desi mentality?

Oh yes…because I’m a girl…!!!

Amen x

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My punjabi poem ๐Ÿ˜Š

Ranjha vargeh ashiq na heer vargi mutyar ah

Na ohna vargiya gallah..na ohna varga pyar ah

Na heer vargiya hoorah ah

Na Ranjha vargeh yaar ah…

Jiss nu ho gya pyar… Oh hallo reh gya behaal ah…..

Bachpan….childhood ๐Ÿ’ž

Everyone says their childhood was the best and I guess I’m no different.. My childhood was great as far as I can remember.Life was so very simple growing up in the West Midlands in the 70’s and 80’s.  People were kind, caring and there was great community spirit in the whole neighbourhood. Everyone watched out for everyone. I was raised within a mixed community. There were Indians, pakistani’s, English, Turkish, Jamaicans all types of good people ..As a child I thought the whole world lived in our street because it was so mixed..lol..๐Ÿ˜€

My parents both worked and it was a bit rare back in those days for Indian women to work but my grandfather and dad wasn’t as old fashioned as some guys and besides at one point there was 11 people living in our house so you had to go to work to feed everyone.  The joys of the extended families .. Grandparents.. 4 Aunts and an uncle.. Mum, dad and me and my brother… My youngest brother came on the scene 8 years later ..by that time most of the family had moved out… And it was just us left.  My grandparents moved one door away so it felt like they never really left.. Lol.

We had so many friends.. So many good people. Only later on recently I discovered that bad people actually exist to and they are really mean and nasty.. But as a child we were so protected from the meanies thanks to my parents.

My parents were hard working. They managed between them to work full time and take care of us…then eventually went on to running a very successful business.  They instilled a great set of values in us and I’m so proud of them.

I can’t remember them having any dreams or ambitions. Their own goal was to make sure we were well looked after and fed. That’s it… We didn’t go on holidays abroad back in those days.. No one did. Our holiday was to go to our mamma’s house, even going there was like going to the moon and back.. Had so much fun with our cousins on our visits.

I often wonder how much my parents must have given up.. They were only teenagers when they had their arranged marriage… And I came soon after. As a parent now I understand the sacrifices they made.. They never complained about it like I do… Their time was different then. They didn’t know any better.. I guess my time is different because I realised I have lived my life according to society just like they did… The only difference is I didn’t have to because times have changed.. I no longer need to think about others…!

I never actually knew what that meant… But now I’m 43…. I’m beginning to realise!! Seriously life is really to short.. Its scary. I haven’t even done anything in my life yet and I want to.

 Even the little simple things like travel.. Socialise…just live!! I haven’t managed any of that. I always put others first.. Listen to parents..in-laws… Spent most of my life working and raising kids… Now I’m scared because I haven’t lived…Maybe I need to. Maybe I need to start thinking about me. So many missed opportunities that fly by because of all the responsibilities a woman has! Religion.. Culture.. Tradition…being a British born punjabi has played a big part in crushing alot of my dreams! But time to make this life last a little bit longer……. 

First blog post…excited!

Wow…… Finally… My very first blog….I’m excited.. Nervous… Apprehensive.. All at the same time. Its time to let it all out! I have so much to write about! As a child I use to keep a diary…and now is the right time to start again… But this time publically. We keep so much locked up inside, we should let it all out…all of it. The hurt, the pain,  the love the sorrow, the heartache! How many emotions we hold on to its sad really! Then we wonder why we fall victim to depression! I hope I can bring some insight to these things in my future blogs….

NowI have started.. There’s no stopping me!

Catch u later peeps